god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
