The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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