i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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