Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
