Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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