Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
