So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
