I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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