I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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