im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize