He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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