last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize