this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
