Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Still dying that you shit outside
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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