my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
