he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
