So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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