Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
