i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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