they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
they're like a gay fantastic four
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
