i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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