I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
