Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
