my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
