I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
