do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
