I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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