Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
