I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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