hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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