i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
