can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
