Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
