Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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