Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
