Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
