She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
