the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
