You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
