This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
