Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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