this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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