I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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