I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
