listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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