Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
