dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
