Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
