can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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