quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize