i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
They have beer where we have blood.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
