you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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