It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
worst night to have a conscience
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
There's always time for handjobs
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
