I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
