I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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