i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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