Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
