That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
