I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize