I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
