she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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