last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
